reeding

Finished Jane Eyre today, amazing classic with all my favourite theme(s), i.e. feminism.  I absolutely admire her calm and composed nature - nothing can derail her or extract more expressive countenances from her usual phlegmatic state. I wished I could be less easily excitable myself sometimes (and also less foul-mouthed as a result) ;)

Jane rejects the marriage proposal of master of Thornfield Hall, Mr Rochester, because he was already married to a lunatic which he keeps locked up. I couldn't for the life of me understand why Jane would leave him because they obviously were so in love. But then again it wouldn't make a good story, would it? And she is admirable because she stood for her independence, rather than be fussed over and be forced in a subordinate position, even to the love of her life. She wanted to be an equal to her husband, who isn't good-looking but has an excellent mind. 


Also, her ability to look past physical appearances and appreciate the spirit living in the shell of a human body is noteworthy. (But then again maybe she taught as such, because she wasn't much of a beauty herself.)


Moving on to 1984 :)

get well mum

Why do we feel so guilty about having fun? About indulging in pleasurable activities? About wasting time? Why do we always hold back when we're enjoying too much?

would a bridge builder, decades after building that one bridge across a dangerous abyss, still be fretting about whether the bridge is intact, whether the back-up catches still work, and whether there were any casualties?

some words were never meant to be said.
not if you paid.
or even with extra booze

can anyone be stable all the time?

curb the kerb

the kerbs at bbdc's driving circuit must feel like doormats.

goodbye, i'm off to thailand! :)

Luh-luh-luh-laryngitis

The past 2 months have been trying, to say the least. Being a 'social animal', not being able to talk (much less sing...!) is the worst feeling. No kidding. All the comments I could have said stay inside me and make me want to implode with gibberish and random words taken out of context. I realise that I COULD get used to nodding mutely and pretending to be a demure girl who has no comments to everything because she doesn't have any brains! Or not.

Aaaaanyway, aside from the emotional trauma my nodule-ridden vocal cords have given me, two months is a pretty long time for self-reflection. So I've lived as a pseudo-introvert instead of being the noisy empty vessel that I usually am, and like they say, still waters run deep. I think I blogged once before about when you're constantly talking, you actually don't have much time to think. And so thinking was what I did!

2 lessons learnt from my bout of laryngitis:

1) Listening to songs as a full work, not just the main melody

Being the wannabe vocalist that I am, I previously listened to my music concentrating around 70% of my attention hearing the vocalist. The lyrics, the tune of the melody, and what kind of voice she was using. I placed very little emphasis on the rest of the band, like the bass, drums, and the backing vocals. I didn't use to be able to tell the harmonies apart. But because I don't sing, I can't imitate the singer in my head, and in fact trying to do so brings the painful (literally) reminder that I can't. Which makes me feel even worse about myself. 

So I focused more on what I should have! I'm not saying that I do now, but I'm trying! Also, I've ventured into checking out music that are not vocalist-driven, a practice that I realise was incredibly myopic (and also a tad selfish) of me in the past.

One downside is that it's difficult to write songs when you're mute. It's hard to think of nice melodies when you can't sing them to hear how they sound.

2) Some things can be left unsaid, and thinking before you speak is an excellent habit

Saying stuff that doesn't add value only wastes air-time and the limited vocal card HP. And talking less actually lets people around you talk more! One-liners that hit home are more memorable than 10 lines that mean nothing. Someone should quote me for class-part!

Yeah 2 lessons for 2 months of ego-torture. 

Time to get back to mugging lit so I can teach it tomorrow x

dragging on rock bottom recently. not being able to talk is taking everything from me.

i'm going crazy i'm waiting for something to happen.

bor-eein muh arsh uff

how can anyone bring themselves to plough through so much drivel? it's so boring my grandma would cry.

rarent

When you don't feel like letting any part of your private life out of your own mind, there is a problem. Either you're not fluent enough to manage phrasing what you feel into coherent language, or you're just not interesting anymore. Or you just need to maintain this perpetually happy, un-human image of yourself all the time. I'm not weak. I can't be.

Is this really doing me any good? What do I want out of this? What is in this for me? I bet you must have asked yourself those questions a million times. Now I know how you feel.

I tell myself I'm happy by myself. And I can keep telling myself that. But the truth is, I can't breathe every time I see someone like you. And it's been a year. 

My thoughts are all over the place. I should pick up a book.

Not-a-holiday trip...

Obligatory laden trips aren't holidays. Not that I'm complaining, of course.

My dad drove us back to Ipoh for my cousin's wedding. This cousin used to dote on me a lot when I was younger, together with her two other sisters. Funny feelings I felt, kind of a mix of regret for not keeping up with her, a need to make up for all the lost time... I found myself overcompensating by going to talk to my relatives. 

Staying in your comfort zone is easy. Considering that I only see my relatives on my dad's side once a year on average, it's kinda of awkward when I see them again. Since my dad's really talkative, it's convenient to sort of fade in the background, smile and laugh politely when you are mentioned, not really partaking in the conversation or giving your opinions. It's so easy to just distance yourself. Keeping up with relationships are tiring.

But then again, even if relatives are like strangers to you I suppose at the end of the day, you'll still help them out. I don't know to feel heartened by this or not. We do help out of obligation, and obligation isn't exactly the best reason to be helping someone. Again, I'm not complaining, especially if I'm receiving ^^ lol bastard.

Okay the philosoraptor in me should just shut up now. Some pictures! (because I AM THE NEXT XIAXUE lol Val Boh are you taking this in?!!)

My cousin looking pretty disinterested that a fast traveling cork is about to hit someone's head pretty soon 

Classic wedding gesture

Dad with some of his brothers - can you tell?

Dad on stage trying to be discreet

Attempt at an artistic shot, but who am I kidding - I don't have a bad-ass DSLR which is a must these days

There you go... Happy marriage, cousin!

And off we went to have some fun at a somewhat disappointing Lost World at Tambun, which has amusement park, zoo and water theme park elements and compromising on all three.

^^

This ride was 5 minutes long. A poor boy threw up his lunch and it was orange and I watched the whole thing.

If my sister's face was a meme it'd be the poker face. Or Derpina.

This looks like it came straight out of Avatar the movie. Only in Malaysia, you find bad-ass cliffs that look like tree trunks

Also, I've finished reading To Kill a Mockingbird, some crime fic book I found off the Bookcross network and a Sue Grafton novel. Starting on What a Dog Saw. ^^ Only during the holidays do I get time to curl up and read books other than my textbooks.

Oh and did you know that this:

The rotating glass thingy you always see at Chinese restaurants

... Is called a 'lazy susan'? You learn something new everyday ^^

Okay time for some Fight Club with Val and Pris!

xx

._. at myself

SPOTLIGHT EFFECT ERROR. SPOTLIGHT EFFECT ERROR. SPOTLIGHT EFFECT ERROR.

Note to self: Please have a bit more self-control.

One day

One day, I will tire of being a free spirit, and be cast unceremoniously into the arms of a babe, who hopefully sees me for who I am, and has professed his adoration (or at least, tolerance) for my quintessence.

One day, I might conclude that the company of a special someone trumps all my other relations.

One day, I will have to learn to live with another person in my life again.

I contemplate that day with a mix of amusement and moderate disdain.

Is it too late?

I only regret that because of my immaturity, and hence an inability to handle situations as best as they should be handled, I've lost the chance to ever be friends with you. If I could go back in time and do it all over again, I wouldn't have done what I did, and I look back on my former self with disdain. I wonder if you will ever find it in your heart to forgive me for what unjust you feel I've done to you. But if you do, I'll be relieved beyond expression.

too-oh (too-old?)

20th birthday resolution: Think. of. something. to. say.

Playing tennis with one other person and sucking at it is like an awkward date. No third party to at least let the other person have some respite from playing with a sucky person as yourself.

Being overly accommodating may make people feel uncomfortable. Maybe I should stop doing that.

Inanimate objects look better in bright light. People don't. (usually)

Self-realisation: I have a name phobia.

What could give yourself a poorer impression than to forget someone's name? You're indirectly implying that someone is insignificant or not worth your brain space to remember just one word of his name.

Because of this fear I tend to shy away from saying someone's name out loud, even though I'm fairly certain that I do know. Just in case I get it wrong.

Lessons learnt:

People expect replies to emails and SMS the moment you receive it. That's why BBM lets you know if the other party has read your message or not, so he/she will be pressured to reply. That's why so many people use the 'Autoreply' feature, something that cheats you into thinking that the other party has replied in an instant, only to find that it's actually an automated message explaining a late reply. Patience has gone to the pits guys.

If you cannot check your email or SMS regularly for one reason or another, ask someone else to take over. Don't act hero and do everything yourself.

Do your duty. Fulfill the minimum of your responsibility even if you're juggling many many things at once. DO THE BARE MINIMUM AT THE VERY LEAST.

Love, and goodnight.