Not-a-holiday trip...

Obligatory laden trips aren't holidays. Not that I'm complaining, of course.

My dad drove us back to Ipoh for my cousin's wedding. This cousin used to dote on me a lot when I was younger, together with her two other sisters. Funny feelings I felt, kind of a mix of regret for not keeping up with her, a need to make up for all the lost time... I found myself overcompensating by going to talk to my relatives. 

Staying in your comfort zone is easy. Considering that I only see my relatives on my dad's side once a year on average, it's kinda of awkward when I see them again. Since my dad's really talkative, it's convenient to sort of fade in the background, smile and laugh politely when you are mentioned, not really partaking in the conversation or giving your opinions. It's so easy to just distance yourself. Keeping up with relationships are tiring.

But then again, even if relatives are like strangers to you I suppose at the end of the day, you'll still help them out. I don't know to feel heartened by this or not. We do help out of obligation, and obligation isn't exactly the best reason to be helping someone. Again, I'm not complaining, especially if I'm receiving ^^ lol bastard.

Okay the philosoraptor in me should just shut up now. Some pictures! (because I AM THE NEXT XIAXUE lol Val Boh are you taking this in?!!)

My cousin looking pretty disinterested that a fast traveling cork is about to hit someone's head pretty soon 

Classic wedding gesture

Dad with some of his brothers - can you tell?

Dad on stage trying to be discreet

Attempt at an artistic shot, but who am I kidding - I don't have a bad-ass DSLR which is a must these days

There you go... Happy marriage, cousin!

And off we went to have some fun at a somewhat disappointing Lost World at Tambun, which has amusement park, zoo and water theme park elements and compromising on all three.

^^

This ride was 5 minutes long. A poor boy threw up his lunch and it was orange and I watched the whole thing.

If my sister's face was a meme it'd be the poker face. Or Derpina.

This looks like it came straight out of Avatar the movie. Only in Malaysia, you find bad-ass cliffs that look like tree trunks

Also, I've finished reading To Kill a Mockingbird, some crime fic book I found off the Bookcross network and a Sue Grafton novel. Starting on What a Dog Saw. ^^ Only during the holidays do I get time to curl up and read books other than my textbooks.

Oh and did you know that this:

The rotating glass thingy you always see at Chinese restaurants

... Is called a 'lazy susan'? You learn something new everyday ^^

Okay time for some Fight Club with Val and Pris!

xx

._. at myself

SPOTLIGHT EFFECT ERROR. SPOTLIGHT EFFECT ERROR. SPOTLIGHT EFFECT ERROR.

Note to self: Please have a bit more self-control.

One day

One day, I will tire of being a free spirit, and be cast unceremoniously into the arms of a babe, who hopefully sees me for who I am, and has professed his adoration (or at least, tolerance) for my quintessence.

One day, I might conclude that the company of a special someone trumps all my other relations.

One day, I will have to learn to live with another person in my life again.

I contemplate that day with a mix of amusement and moderate disdain.

Is it too late?

I only regret that because of my immaturity, and hence an inability to handle situations as best as they should be handled, I've lost the chance to ever be friends with you. If I could go back in time and do it all over again, I wouldn't have done what I did, and I look back on my former self with disdain. I wonder if you will ever find it in your heart to forgive me for what unjust you feel I've done to you. But if you do, I'll be relieved beyond expression.

too-oh (too-old?)

20th birthday resolution: Think. of. something. to. say.

Playing tennis with one other person and sucking at it is like an awkward date. No third party to at least let the other person have some respite from playing with a sucky person as yourself.

Being overly accommodating may make people feel uncomfortable. Maybe I should stop doing that.

Inanimate objects look better in bright light. People don't. (usually)

Self-realisation: I have a name phobia.

What could give yourself a poorer impression than to forget someone's name? You're indirectly implying that someone is insignificant or not worth your brain space to remember just one word of his name.

Because of this fear I tend to shy away from saying someone's name out loud, even though I'm fairly certain that I do know. Just in case I get it wrong.

Lessons learnt:

People expect replies to emails and SMS the moment you receive it. That's why BBM lets you know if the other party has read your message or not, so he/she will be pressured to reply. That's why so many people use the 'Autoreply' feature, something that cheats you into thinking that the other party has replied in an instant, only to find that it's actually an automated message explaining a late reply. Patience has gone to the pits guys.

If you cannot check your email or SMS regularly for one reason or another, ask someone else to take over. Don't act hero and do everything yourself.

Do your duty. Fulfill the minimum of your responsibility even if you're juggling many many things at once. DO THE BARE MINIMUM AT THE VERY LEAST.

Love, and goodnight.

Funny how the non-presence of some things stings more than the presence. Like when you lose something so dear to you. Or when you're missing someone you know you won't see again.

On hindsight, everyone is a genius.

Plastics bags are there to ease the awkward silence when you dig around in your wallet to pay at the cashier and when you struggle to keep your change.

I came up with a theory on kopitiams and cafés yesterday. You know how kopitiams are always so hot, uncomfortable and dirty? That's because they have cheap food, and hence many people visit them. (It's like how toilets are, the more used the toilet is, the dirtier it is.) And it's uncomfortable for a good reason as well - if the place is too comfortable, the kopitiam would never be able to accommodate the masses that are coming in.

So I'm wondering if it's a cause and effect thing, like is it uncomfortable because of the many people that are coming in and dirtying the place, or is it because they want to control the people that are coming in and therefore they make the place comfortable on purpose. I mean, you rarely see beanbags and chandeliers in a kopitiam.

Cafés, on the other hand, have expensive food. You would baulk at the prices they charge for a simple breakfast you could make for yourself at home. But the place is so comfortable that you would stay there for a prolonged period of time, and if you stay there and take up the seats, another customer cannot take up that space. So when you eat at a café, you effectively are paying for another customer who would have been there if the price was lower, e,g, kopitiam price. Imagine Starbucks with $0.60 coffee and their comfortable sofas...

So if you ever go to a café and eat, please don't leave immediately after that, just take things easy and soak in the comfortable environment you're paying for. :)

Leave me be. You don't understand.

Talking and thinking

It just took one long train ride for me to put my work and commitments into perspective.

I just read somewhere that talking kills your thoughts - and I think it's true. Humans are simple minded in that sense, that you can only focus on one thing at a time. If you are busy thinking of your next word, you have hardly any time to think about other things, like your future or what you're going to do next.

That explains why people usually start to think about sad things or just think in general when they're alone, because they have no one to talk to. That explains why agony auntie columns always suggest that you pick up a hobby, or spend more time with your friends, because when you are working and playing, you are in the company of people and you start talking, which makes you stop thinking. And when you stop thinking, you don't get depressed and suicidal.

A man of few words has potential to be very wise because he talks very little, freeing up more time to think. But then again this man's mind must not be empty and has to be actually thinking of worthwhile things.

Does this mean that introverted people are better thinkers and extroverted people are not? Does that mean that actually I'm not such a great thinker after all, cos I just talk too much?

I think I need some time to think and be alone.

what the hell am i doing here? i don't belong here.

And now you won't finish what you started. Thanks for disappearing from my life.

I don't want to try anymore. I don't even want to log on to Messenger in case you're online - I wouldn't know what to say to you. And I'm quite sure you'd have blocked me by now.

will that day come? the day that i don't give a damn about whether you're alive or not anymore?

I want to hear from so many people, but I don't think I'll get my replies anytime soon.

Maybe it's a fall from grace

aiya fuck the world

this dead silence... i don't know what to tell of it.

I hate going to ink bar now. I hate listening to Dave Matthew's, because every word and every note is screaming your goddamn name.

all i have left of you are fragments - the dave matthew's badge with the elongated faces of everyone in the band, the bottle of baileys that you gave me which i have no heart to open, one of the 2 notebooks we took from a stranger when we were out together (the other is with you), the malcolm gladwell books i recommended so strongly and eventually bought for you so you could read them, the letters that I wrote when you were away which I never got to pass to you, the blue toy dolphin (you have the pink one) i bought which is still on a bag that i don't use anymore, the penn and teller bullshit link on my safari that i don't want to click anymore.

and worst of all, your number. i'm so afraid of not hearing a response from you that i don't even dare to dial the number anymore. it just rings and i never get to hear a voice at the other end. i send a message and it's like i sent a message into a black hole. i'm fucking scared. of trying to initiate conversation. of the fact that you never reply.

I'm hurting so much now and I don't know when this hell is going to end.

"trust is like a mirror. you can fix it once it's broken, but you will always be able to see the cracks."

yet another thing i shouldn't have said.

Screw you Dave Matthews. I can't even listen to you properly anymore.

I'm trying to teach myself to be emotionally independent, because I want to stop leading people on, and I can't always take advantage of some poor guy who at that point in time has a fond liking for me.

But would that take the life out of me?

---

We're staring down into the abyss and wondering how this is going to turn out. I'm sorry friend.

Being around tactless people and having a considerably heavy emotional burden around is making me very tactless and insensitive as well.

I know I will regret some of the things I said. But I can't take them back. All I can do is to make sure I don't spew anymore brainless nonsense.

I need to find myself again, and be myself. The happy, optimistic, sensitive me. I don't want to be the grumpy, arrogant, unfeeling shell I am now.

Goodness, the way Anna Nalick describes songwriting is so apt.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

What will I do in the future? Will I enjoy my job? Will any company take me in? Will I start my own business? Will my skills be put to good use, and will I be developed to my fullest potential? Will I have to marry a rich man so he can support me?

I feel like a wasted space.

Where did c and f go?

I'm more dependent than you think.

Are you socially awkward? Are you the most self-oblivious person in the whole planet? Considering the number of times you check yourself out in the mirror... this degree of self oblivion is appalling.

Do you have the power of making everybody frustrated? Are you the most MIA person I've known? Do you possess the lowest of the lowest EQs? Do you have zero sensitivity?

Do you blow your top when you have a bad day? Why this double standard? When you have bad days your body language says things that are far worse. Or most of the time you're not even around for everybody to judge you.

Do you not have a vision? Do you contribute zero to morale, and do you communicate in the most inefficient of ways?

Do you even realize what in the world you are doing/ insinuating? Your reasoning is so warped, man.

You can't make everyone happy. But somehow so many more people are unhappy with you than not.

Reuben said my barriers would be high after gross misjudgments. You bet.

I know I'm doing something wrong here, and it makes me really uncomfortable. The secrecy, the weird looks. The opportunity cost is too high.

I'm not afraid of being judged by people I don't know, or by people who don't matter to me. But when people close to me do it, I fall apart.

Pet peeve:

Leaving the party at 1145 pm - 12 am, after the last train leaves and before the midnight surcharge, and paying 10 times more the price of taking public transport

If I'm going through all this so someone else can function properly, I'd feel much better.

Things I must treasure now, and forever and ever always:
1. Showering all my body parts
2. Blinking
3. Wearing covered shoes

You only know happiness when you've been through misery. This is one lesson that never fails to strike me hard, more so than ever now.

Ever had the feeling of checking your handphone for someone's message every 2 minutes?

One day, I'll look back on this smattering of posts about the same damn thing, and laugh at myself for being such a fool.

I feel the stress starting all over again.

So much for my holiday.

I really hate the way expectations always get the better of me.

To think I was imagining myself waiting at Starbucks, doing my homework and thoughtfully sipping a cup of tea. How ridiculously funny. I even brought! Haha I'm so absurd.

Maybe I really can't handle this, maybe we're really too different. Maybe I just don't matter to you. Perhaps that will explain why you haven't called, returned my call or responded to my requests to meet.

I feel so disgustingly desperate.

Choices. CHOICES.

Why can't I just keep my mouth shut sometimes?

To you

Just like that.

I've never met anyone like you.

MC taught me to talk in plain English, and so did you. And so I will.

Questioning everything - that's what you do well and I don't.

I've never been taught to disagree, or have my own way, or rebel against anybody. I've been taught to go to school even when I'm sick, to go for lessons because they are already paid for. I've been taught to suck everything up when shit happens and force myself to do things I don't like to do.

I've been taught not to be lazy, but I've also been taught not to have opinions.

I'm a friendly person. I can talk to strangers with ease, and I find silences awkward. I'm eager to please and I find it difficult to reject. When you are eager to please, you don't have much room for disagreement. I'm always the first to back down. I find it difficult to have opinions while being agreeable.

I'm not very honest. I believe in white lies, and that people's feelings should be protected if possible because everyone has to deal with some shit on a daily basis and everyone deserves a break.

I speak my mind, and I am very open with people. I'm not a very secretive person. I learnt quite early on that keeping secrets is pointless because when people find out and start spreading them, all that effort that went in to keep those secrets is effectively wasted. My life is an open book. Ask me anything.

I prioritize my friends - they are the ones that keep me going. I prioritize my family because they are important to me.

I am very busy. I fill my day up with appointments and that is of my own choosing, and I keep myself busy with schoolwork and many other co-curricular activities. I should stop complaining about being so busy, since I chose to be involved with all of it.

I love to read and write. I like fiction books - nothing like a good story to make life more interesting and to get a few learning points from. I also like interesting non-fiction - books like Freakonomics or The Tipping Point are of tremendous interest to me.

I am marginally religious. I may call myself a free-thinker, but in fact I gravitate towards Buddhism and its values, because I was brought up that way. I was taught cause and effect, and that what goes around comes around. I believe in karma, but I don't save snails because of karma - nobody actually knows whether there really is this system in place to keep humans in check. I do it because I really want to do it.

I am a very touchy person. It's my way of being friendly, and showing that I have no reservations. I touch the elbow because to me, the skin there is highly pinch-able, and to you, it is the only place I cannot molest. (according to my friend who saw a poster at the police station saying that the elbow is worth $0) I touch people's tummies sometimes and I have no idea why - it's a subconscious thing I cannot explain. Or maybe I can, in time. Someday I'll know the reason why, but not now.

I know some people do not like me being so touchy but I find it hard to keep my hands to myself. I'm not horny. But it's just my way or getting closer to the person I talk to. Pardon me if you are uncomfortable with it.

I am an inquisitive person. (which basically means I'm kaypo) I want to know things. When I sense that someone is keeping something from me, I get really uncomfortable. But in time I will forget about it and then I will stop thinking about it.

When someone matters a lot to me, I let the other party know exactly that. I will either express it in words, or through the little things I do.

I love to have a plan. Especially when I go out for leisure or for dates. I believe in going Dutch when on dates, and that both parties are equally responsible to think of what to do, to take initiative, to be polite to each other. I believe that a guy should send a girl home because he really wants to, not because obligation binds him to it. I believe that these beliefs are in line with my views on gender equality.

I'm not a romantic. I don't like flowers, chocolates or teddy bears. Effort or a display of affluence doesn't impress me. What does is evidence that you've listened to what I've said, that you know me well enough to do things that I'd really enjoy.

I'm spontaneous. I don't mind trying new things, and I refrain from an opinion of things I have never tried yet. Even if I do, I'm still open and I will still try it out given the chance, unless some phobia prevents me from doing that.

I don't have the time and to watch movies so I don't really.

I don't have a good memory and I tend to forget things very easily.

I was from NCC, and I make no effort to hide it. Why should I? It taught me so much. Discipline, to be agreeable (so my EQ and sensitivity spiked), to be presentable and carry myself properly, and I got to do things that girls would seldom be allowed to do - join in in army activities. How many girls can say that they've worn any army uniform, or eaten army fruit bars and rations before?

I have Facebook, and I use it as a tool for socializing, something I enjoy very much.



I'm vastly different from you; you are the exact opposite of everything I have listed above. But yet, I respect you for so much. And I wonder if you feel the same of me.