curb the kerb

the kerbs at bbdc's driving circuit must feel like doormats.

goodbye, i'm off to thailand! :)

Luh-luh-luh-laryngitis

The past 2 months have been trying, to say the least. Being a 'social animal', not being able to talk (much less sing...!) is the worst feeling. No kidding. All the comments I could have said stay inside me and make me want to implode with gibberish and random words taken out of context. I realise that I COULD get used to nodding mutely and pretending to be a demure girl who has no comments to everything because she doesn't have any brains! Or not.

Aaaaanyway, aside from the emotional trauma my nodule-ridden vocal cords have given me, two months is a pretty long time for self-reflection. So I've lived as a pseudo-introvert instead of being the noisy empty vessel that I usually am, and like they say, still waters run deep. I think I blogged once before about when you're constantly talking, you actually don't have much time to think. And so thinking was what I did!

2 lessons learnt from my bout of laryngitis:

1) Listening to songs as a full work, not just the main melody

Being the wannabe vocalist that I am, I previously listened to my music concentrating around 70% of my attention hearing the vocalist. The lyrics, the tune of the melody, and what kind of voice she was using. I placed very little emphasis on the rest of the band, like the bass, drums, and the backing vocals. I didn't use to be able to tell the harmonies apart. But because I don't sing, I can't imitate the singer in my head, and in fact trying to do so brings the painful (literally) reminder that I can't. Which makes me feel even worse about myself. 

So I focused more on what I should have! I'm not saying that I do now, but I'm trying! Also, I've ventured into checking out music that are not vocalist-driven, a practice that I realise was incredibly myopic (and also a tad selfish) of me in the past.

One downside is that it's difficult to write songs when you're mute. It's hard to think of nice melodies when you can't sing them to hear how they sound.

2) Some things can be left unsaid, and thinking before you speak is an excellent habit

Saying stuff that doesn't add value only wastes air-time and the limited vocal card HP. And talking less actually lets people around you talk more! One-liners that hit home are more memorable than 10 lines that mean nothing. Someone should quote me for class-part!

Yeah 2 lessons for 2 months of ego-torture. 

Time to get back to mugging lit so I can teach it tomorrow x

dragging on rock bottom recently. not being able to talk is taking everything from me.

i'm going crazy i'm waiting for something to happen.

bor-eein muh arsh uff

how can anyone bring themselves to plough through so much drivel? it's so boring my grandma would cry.

rarent

When you don't feel like letting any part of your private life out of your own mind, there is a problem. Either you're not fluent enough to manage phrasing what you feel into coherent language, or you're just not interesting anymore. Or you just need to maintain this perpetually happy, un-human image of yourself all the time. I'm not weak. I can't be.

Is this really doing me any good? What do I want out of this? What is in this for me? I bet you must have asked yourself those questions a million times. Now I know how you feel.

I tell myself I'm happy by myself. And I can keep telling myself that. But the truth is, I can't breathe every time I see someone like you. And it's been a year. 

My thoughts are all over the place. I should pick up a book.

Not-a-holiday trip...

Obligatory laden trips aren't holidays. Not that I'm complaining, of course.

My dad drove us back to Ipoh for my cousin's wedding. This cousin used to dote on me a lot when I was younger, together with her two other sisters. Funny feelings I felt, kind of a mix of regret for not keeping up with her, a need to make up for all the lost time... I found myself overcompensating by going to talk to my relatives. 

Staying in your comfort zone is easy. Considering that I only see my relatives on my dad's side once a year on average, it's kinda of awkward when I see them again. Since my dad's really talkative, it's convenient to sort of fade in the background, smile and laugh politely when you are mentioned, not really partaking in the conversation or giving your opinions. It's so easy to just distance yourself. Keeping up with relationships are tiring.

But then again, even if relatives are like strangers to you I suppose at the end of the day, you'll still help them out. I don't know to feel heartened by this or not. We do help out of obligation, and obligation isn't exactly the best reason to be helping someone. Again, I'm not complaining, especially if I'm receiving ^^ lol bastard.

Okay the philosoraptor in me should just shut up now. Some pictures! (because I AM THE NEXT XIAXUE lol Val Boh are you taking this in?!!)

My cousin looking pretty disinterested that a fast traveling cork is about to hit someone's head pretty soon 

Classic wedding gesture

Dad with some of his brothers - can you tell?

Dad on stage trying to be discreet

Attempt at an artistic shot, but who am I kidding - I don't have a bad-ass DSLR which is a must these days

There you go... Happy marriage, cousin!

And off we went to have some fun at a somewhat disappointing Lost World at Tambun, which has amusement park, zoo and water theme park elements and compromising on all three.

^^

This ride was 5 minutes long. A poor boy threw up his lunch and it was orange and I watched the whole thing.

If my sister's face was a meme it'd be the poker face. Or Derpina.

This looks like it came straight out of Avatar the movie. Only in Malaysia, you find bad-ass cliffs that look like tree trunks

Also, I've finished reading To Kill a Mockingbird, some crime fic book I found off the Bookcross network and a Sue Grafton novel. Starting on What a Dog Saw. ^^ Only during the holidays do I get time to curl up and read books other than my textbooks.

Oh and did you know that this:

The rotating glass thingy you always see at Chinese restaurants

... Is called a 'lazy susan'? You learn something new everyday ^^

Okay time for some Fight Club with Val and Pris!

xx

._. at myself

SPOTLIGHT EFFECT ERROR. SPOTLIGHT EFFECT ERROR. SPOTLIGHT EFFECT ERROR.

Note to self: Please have a bit more self-control.

One day

One day, I will tire of being a free spirit, and be cast unceremoniously into the arms of a babe, who hopefully sees me for who I am, and has professed his adoration (or at least, tolerance) for my quintessence.

One day, I might conclude that the company of a special someone trumps all my other relations.

One day, I will have to learn to live with another person in my life again.

I contemplate that day with a mix of amusement and moderate disdain.

Is it too late?

I only regret that because of my immaturity, and hence an inability to handle situations as best as they should be handled, I've lost the chance to ever be friends with you. If I could go back in time and do it all over again, I wouldn't have done what I did, and I look back on my former self with disdain. I wonder if you will ever find it in your heart to forgive me for what unjust you feel I've done to you. But if you do, I'll be relieved beyond expression.

too-oh (too-old?)

20th birthday resolution: Think. of. something. to. say.

Playing tennis with one other person and sucking at it is like an awkward date. No third party to at least let the other person have some respite from playing with a sucky person as yourself.

Being overly accommodating may make people feel uncomfortable. Maybe I should stop doing that.

Inanimate objects look better in bright light. People don't. (usually)

Self-realisation: I have a name phobia.

What could give yourself a poorer impression than to forget someone's name? You're indirectly implying that someone is insignificant or not worth your brain space to remember just one word of his name.

Because of this fear I tend to shy away from saying someone's name out loud, even though I'm fairly certain that I do know. Just in case I get it wrong.

Lessons learnt:

People expect replies to emails and SMS the moment you receive it. That's why BBM lets you know if the other party has read your message or not, so he/she will be pressured to reply. That's why so many people use the 'Autoreply' feature, something that cheats you into thinking that the other party has replied in an instant, only to find that it's actually an automated message explaining a late reply. Patience has gone to the pits guys.

If you cannot check your email or SMS regularly for one reason or another, ask someone else to take over. Don't act hero and do everything yourself.

Do your duty. Fulfill the minimum of your responsibility even if you're juggling many many things at once. DO THE BARE MINIMUM AT THE VERY LEAST.

Love, and goodnight.

Funny how the non-presence of some things stings more than the presence. Like when you lose something so dear to you. Or when you're missing someone you know you won't see again.

On hindsight, everyone is a genius.

Plastics bags are there to ease the awkward silence when you dig around in your wallet to pay at the cashier and when you struggle to keep your change.

I came up with a theory on kopitiams and cafés yesterday. You know how kopitiams are always so hot, uncomfortable and dirty? That's because they have cheap food, and hence many people visit them. (It's like how toilets are, the more used the toilet is, the dirtier it is.) And it's uncomfortable for a good reason as well - if the place is too comfortable, the kopitiam would never be able to accommodate the masses that are coming in.

So I'm wondering if it's a cause and effect thing, like is it uncomfortable because of the many people that are coming in and dirtying the place, or is it because they want to control the people that are coming in and therefore they make the place comfortable on purpose. I mean, you rarely see beanbags and chandeliers in a kopitiam.

Cafés, on the other hand, have expensive food. You would baulk at the prices they charge for a simple breakfast you could make for yourself at home. But the place is so comfortable that you would stay there for a prolonged period of time, and if you stay there and take up the seats, another customer cannot take up that space. So when you eat at a café, you effectively are paying for another customer who would have been there if the price was lower, e,g, kopitiam price. Imagine Starbucks with $0.60 coffee and their comfortable sofas...

So if you ever go to a café and eat, please don't leave immediately after that, just take things easy and soak in the comfortable environment you're paying for. :)

Leave me be. You don't understand.

Talking and thinking

It just took one long train ride for me to put my work and commitments into perspective.

I just read somewhere that talking kills your thoughts - and I think it's true. Humans are simple minded in that sense, that you can only focus on one thing at a time. If you are busy thinking of your next word, you have hardly any time to think about other things, like your future or what you're going to do next.

That explains why people usually start to think about sad things or just think in general when they're alone, because they have no one to talk to. That explains why agony auntie columns always suggest that you pick up a hobby, or spend more time with your friends, because when you are working and playing, you are in the company of people and you start talking, which makes you stop thinking. And when you stop thinking, you don't get depressed and suicidal.

A man of few words has potential to be very wise because he talks very little, freeing up more time to think. But then again this man's mind must not be empty and has to be actually thinking of worthwhile things.

Does this mean that introverted people are better thinkers and extroverted people are not? Does that mean that actually I'm not such a great thinker after all, cos I just talk too much?

I think I need some time to think and be alone.