what can i do to make you feel this?

disinterest envelopes
heart to stomach, bucket to well
and you can see it in the windows

Away to China till 24th!

QoQ is finally over; despite the tension, fatigue and eye make-up (which I hate), I'm really glad to have taken part - for the experience, friends and not to mention the many goodies including the lifetime supply of pads. :p I think I'm the only one who appreciates all the pads though...

Hives outbreak last night, I think I slept about 3 hours?

Blog again when I'm not so tired.

because your silence speaks volumes in itself



tmr is D-day :D

I HAVE GOT TO FREAKING SNAP OUT OF THIS.

Am I right side up or upside down?

A few days ago I was studying on the Hari Raya holiday and was feeling quite sad about it. One friend graciously informed me that "During exam period, public holidays no longer exist." And indeed! It's just another day of brain-frying o.o

Many things on my mind recently, no mood to post them here. Ask me if you bother.

It gets so tiring sometimes, keeping up with everybody, especially if it is a one-sided effort.



Introverts really have it good.

what in the world was i thinking?

I seem to have so little self-control lately.

I just realised my previous blog posts are pretty interesting, it's a weird feeling I get when read about myself, partly narcissistic, I admit...

I can't believe I actually wrote all the stuff I wrote previously. And some of the cryptic stuff I posted, I don't remember the meanings behind them anymore.

Is that weird?

It feels like i've just ran into a wall. It stings very, very much. And it's too damn late to make amends. I suppose my feeble attempt is negligible, but at least I tried.

My pact with myself is about to be broken and I don't have a good feeling about this.

I can't believe I actually missed it. I'm too caught up with my damn life that I have no energy left to emphasize or to pay enough attention to the people that I actually care for.

I forget birthdays, can't make it for farewells, and I only just found out about something that I should have gone for, something I was told about a long time back, something I should have followed up on although I wasn't invited, something I should jolly well have remembered.

It's not that I don't care. Hell yea I do. It's not that I can't be bothered to remember. I try my hardest but goddamn it it's tough. I'm just too bloody self-centred these days, it's crazy.

I guess it's true that you don't only commit to stuff, schoolwork and other activities - you commit to people as well. You spend the time and effort to remember important dates, to spend time with them, and to make sure you show that you care. You maintain the relationships that are closest to your heart, because you'd crumble if they crumbled. You don't go around talking to new people you meet like you've known them for years because you actuallydon't, and neither do you take your existing relationships for granted. You prioritize people just like how you prioritize your other appointments. And I have to learn that I can't make everyone happy because it just doesn't work that way.

I haven't been spending enough time with the people I'm sure are genuine as hell to me, who will never judge me if I look like crap, who would be there for me if I crash and burn and people that I would die to be there for.

But I seem to have moved on to new people. And I swore to myself I wouldn't.



To all the people close to me I have neglected in one way or another, I am really, really sorry, I know I need to stop rushing around like a mad dog and slow down and pay more attention to the right things.




Time for some reflection, hun.

And those who judge me after reading this, I'm sorry but I wasn't referring to you in my apology.

If my voice loss is permanent, I am dead serious that I will be suicidal.

There are so many things I want to do, so many people I want to talk to.

But I can't bring myself to.

I'm not looking. Please.

it's a fucking rainy saturday today.

Reality comes crashing harder the more fun you're having.

I miss Cambodia very, very much.

Having to work office hours means I get to squeeze with the rest of the world on public transport during peak hours. Which means I have zero chance of getting any seats.

Not that I mind, of course, but when 'people who need it more than I do' don't get any seats I get superbly pissed off.

Two days ago, on the train to work, this old lady got onto the train at Chinese Garden towards Pasir Ris. She leaned against the transparent thing that everybody likes to lean against, that area near the door. She was with her granddaughter or helper or something, and for some reason or another I assumed that she was going to alight very soon so I didn't really pay much attention.

When she was still on the train at Buona Vista, I started noticing her more. She was massing her legs and looking at the seat behind her (which was a 'reserved seat'). The woman on that seat was twenty-plus and was talking to her friend next to her (who was ALSO sitting on a reserved seat).

I was staring daggers at the woman but she was oblivious. When we reached Tiong Bahru, her helper finally plucked up enough courage to ask that woman to give up her seat for the old lady.

My goodness leh some people disgustingly ungracious. And it's really sad that every morning (as far as I can see) that there are around 5-6 old men or women standing and nobody is bothering to give up their seats.

Speaking of reserved seats.

There never used to be reserved seats before, there just used to be a sign that reminded us to give up our seats to people who needed it more than we did. So naturally that applies to all seats. Now there are specially allocated reserved seats, people who want to sit don't dare to sit on those seats and people who are not on those seats don't want to give up their seats.

AND on the same day as the old lady incident, I was blowing my nose on the train and there was this guy beside me who gave me a disgusted look and inched away from me. So the next time I blew my nose, he stared at me again, I stared right back and he turned away. :)

Who in the world do you think you are?

Ungrateful shitbag.

I'm so obsessed with food, I even dream of it.

That day I dreamt that I was in the supermarket and shopping for groceries, and since I like seafood so much I went to the crab section. There was this DAMN ABNORMALLY BIG crab, so being greedy I reached out to take it. The next thing I knew it was expanding and destroying the shopping mall and people were running in all directions. -.- Maybe my body is trying to tell me to stop eating so much or the food will be my downfall! :s

Tomorrow is makeover day!

But it's also GG day cos I can't breathe in my dress and gonna be wearing high heels for the whole damn day. :s



Hope I don't embarrass myself tomorrow :(

I should just stop giving a damn.

This inter-connectedness comes at a price, because my mood depends heavily and is greatly affected by what others feel, about me especially.

Wished I could just say 'Screw it' and REALLY not care about all this.

when i drink alcohol, i'm a mosquito magnet at full-power =.=

life has no meaning :(

you study, go to uni, get a job, earn money, find mr right, start a family, have kids, watch them grow up, and then die.

it's the same damn cycle for everybody. it's depressing just thinking about it, that you're going to go down the same path as everyone else, that you're just part of life's rat race.

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My new jack & danny is currently the love of my life. <3 I love the sound, the wood, the fretboard, I EVEN LOVE THE GUITAR CASE. Time to learn more tabs ;)

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good luck for sit test sumzy :)

Finally updated my blogskin! Partly 'cos I was really bored.

A few days ago my agent called me to inform me that there was a telemarketing job with a 6 month contract. I said yes reluctantly ('cos I'm really desperate for cash and all) and said that I'd attend the training session and that I may not sign the contract. He agreed, and I even confirmed with him once again whether I could go for the training and reject the contract. He told me to go down for training regardless whether I wanted to sign the contract or not.

After a while I was seriously reconsidering. Why go for the training session when I know I wouldn't be able to commit to a 6 month contract right? But I just wanted to make sure I wouldn't be blacklisted or anything - rejecting the job before I even get to take a look at the environment and what I'd be doing would reflect quite badly on me what. And I naively thought that I could discuss the terms of the contract there and then, like possibly shorten the contract or something.

Guess I shouldn't even have wasted my time. I went all the way down to that location, expecting 2 hours training and a whole day of work, but I walked away with only 2 hours of training and half a day of NOTHING-TO-DO. The person-in-charge was amazingly aloof, and when I asked to discuss the terms of contract she was like 'discuss what?'

So I started floundering and stammered something about whether I can take leave and my working days. She walked away after answering my questions and I was left terribly clueless.

So after that absolute waste of time, my agent called me to ask about the job. And I went, 'Uh, I don't think I want the 6 months contract because I have other commitments. But another girl in the company told me she had a 2 week contract, is it possible to arrange for a 1-month contract?'

He was very taken aback by the fact that I didn't want to sign the contract (presumably 'cos he loses 6 months worth of commission) and I was very taken aback by the fact that he was even surprised I rejected the contract. Hello, he was the one who said I could go for training and not sign the contract!

So he asked me what commitments I had. I said I had to help out at my school, and he went 'Oh, uh, you didn't tell me about the commitments beforehand.' Okay, so now I'm the bitch for not agreeing to sign.

So I apologised for the inconvenience (politest thing to do because I'm a friggin' doormat)and hanged up.

Then around 5-6pm, this girl from the company called on behalf of the person-in-charge to tell me that I 'don't need to come for work tomorrow'.

What the heck?! It's as if I'm being fired -.- pretty damn arrogant employers, they think temp staff are so desperate. Actually I am, but there's easier cash out there than signing a 6 month contract, getting your pay leeched by the recruiting company, and doing mindless junk to waste my precious time.

MILO

Ever since my mum insisted that we switch from condensed milk to creamer (which is a healthier option), I have been getting nothing but horrible tasting Milo every night. It is SO bland. Milo only tastes good with condensed milk :(

And every time I leave the house, the rubbish truck arrives at my block. This has happened 4 times and I'm wondering if someone is doing this on purpose or I just leave the house at the same time every day :s



empty suddenly

when all that is to be said has been said,
don't expect anymore.

Kuching :)

I got my Face Shop facial foam confiscated at the customs :( Seriously, they should relax the rules a little - hello, 100 ml? Even the smallest contact lens solution comes in 120 ml MINIMUM. And the one I brought in was BRAND NEW, with the bloody safety seal whatever still on the bloody bottle. As for my facial foam, I'll give you a million bucks if you can find kerosene/ flammable liquid that smells so good. The officer was really nice about it but he was BLOODY INFLEXIBLE. Do I look like a terrorist? :(

Aiyah I'm whining so much.


people get ruder as they grow older. or maybe some are just naturally rude.

Recently I've been conducting an experiment on myself to find out how long it takes for me to recover without the help of any medicine :) A little sadistic la but I just felt like being anti-doctor for a while to see how that felt! I didn't get to do this during 'A' level period, obviously, and I didn't like the idea of suppressing the symptoms without actually eliminating the illness itself so.

I had a sore throat, blocked/ runny nose and fever since Monday. I've drank absolutely nothing except plain water and abstained from unhealthy food like chocolate, peanuts and fried stuff. I even TRIED not to eat chicken because my mum said it takes longer to recover if you eat chicken! Haha chicken is quite pervasive so I couldn't totally NOT eat chicken. And I did eat some panadol to keep the fever down (forced to do so by sumbody) So I've behaved like a patient should, minus the medicine :)

Anyway it's Sunday today! So I've been anti-doctor for a week now and I'm only barely recovering :( Ugh.

Conclusion: If you don't want to prolong your suffering, SEE A DOCTOR.
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Missed half of 4L chalet (and the bbq) :( hope they enjoyed themselves!

please tell me what you want me to be

wish me luck (and ALKAR too) :)