One day

One day, I will tire of being a free spirit, and be cast unceremoniously into the arms of a babe, who hopefully sees me for who I am, and has professed his adoration (or at least, tolerance) for my quintessence.

One day, I might conclude that the company of a special someone trumps all my other relations.

One day, I will have to learn to live with another person in my life again.

I contemplate that day with a mix of amusement and moderate disdain.

Is it too late?

I only regret that because of my immaturity, and hence an inability to handle situations as best as they should be handled, I've lost the chance to ever be friends with you. If I could go back in time and do it all over again, I wouldn't have done what I did, and I look back on my former self with disdain. I wonder if you will ever find it in your heart to forgive me for what unjust you feel I've done to you. But if you do, I'll be relieved beyond expression.

too-oh (too-old?)

20th birthday resolution: Think. of. something. to. say.

Playing tennis with one other person and sucking at it is like an awkward date. No third party to at least let the other person have some respite from playing with a sucky person as yourself.

Being overly accommodating may make people feel uncomfortable. Maybe I should stop doing that.

Inanimate objects look better in bright light. People don't. (usually)

Self-realisation: I have a name phobia.

What could give yourself a poorer impression than to forget someone's name? You're indirectly implying that someone is insignificant or not worth your brain space to remember just one word of his name.

Because of this fear I tend to shy away from saying someone's name out loud, even though I'm fairly certain that I do know. Just in case I get it wrong.

Lessons learnt:

People expect replies to emails and SMS the moment you receive it. That's why BBM lets you know if the other party has read your message or not, so he/she will be pressured to reply. That's why so many people use the 'Autoreply' feature, something that cheats you into thinking that the other party has replied in an instant, only to find that it's actually an automated message explaining a late reply. Patience has gone to the pits guys.

If you cannot check your email or SMS regularly for one reason or another, ask someone else to take over. Don't act hero and do everything yourself.

Do your duty. Fulfill the minimum of your responsibility even if you're juggling many many things at once. DO THE BARE MINIMUM AT THE VERY LEAST.

Love, and goodnight.

Funny how the non-presence of some things stings more than the presence. Like when you lose something so dear to you. Or when you're missing someone you know you won't see again.

On hindsight, everyone is a genius.

Plastics bags are there to ease the awkward silence when you dig around in your wallet to pay at the cashier and when you struggle to keep your change.

I came up with a theory on kopitiams and cafés yesterday. You know how kopitiams are always so hot, uncomfortable and dirty? That's because they have cheap food, and hence many people visit them. (It's like how toilets are, the more used the toilet is, the dirtier it is.) And it's uncomfortable for a good reason as well - if the place is too comfortable, the kopitiam would never be able to accommodate the masses that are coming in.

So I'm wondering if it's a cause and effect thing, like is it uncomfortable because of the many people that are coming in and dirtying the place, or is it because they want to control the people that are coming in and therefore they make the place comfortable on purpose. I mean, you rarely see beanbags and chandeliers in a kopitiam.

Cafés, on the other hand, have expensive food. You would baulk at the prices they charge for a simple breakfast you could make for yourself at home. But the place is so comfortable that you would stay there for a prolonged period of time, and if you stay there and take up the seats, another customer cannot take up that space. So when you eat at a café, you effectively are paying for another customer who would have been there if the price was lower, e,g, kopitiam price. Imagine Starbucks with $0.60 coffee and their comfortable sofas...

So if you ever go to a café and eat, please don't leave immediately after that, just take things easy and soak in the comfortable environment you're paying for. :)

Leave me be. You don't understand.

Talking and thinking

It just took one long train ride for me to put my work and commitments into perspective.

I just read somewhere that talking kills your thoughts - and I think it's true. Humans are simple minded in that sense, that you can only focus on one thing at a time. If you are busy thinking of your next word, you have hardly any time to think about other things, like your future or what you're going to do next.

That explains why people usually start to think about sad things or just think in general when they're alone, because they have no one to talk to. That explains why agony auntie columns always suggest that you pick up a hobby, or spend more time with your friends, because when you are working and playing, you are in the company of people and you start talking, which makes you stop thinking. And when you stop thinking, you don't get depressed and suicidal.

A man of few words has potential to be very wise because he talks very little, freeing up more time to think. But then again this man's mind must not be empty and has to be actually thinking of worthwhile things.

Does this mean that introverted people are better thinkers and extroverted people are not? Does that mean that actually I'm not such a great thinker after all, cos I just talk too much?

I think I need some time to think and be alone.

what the hell am i doing here? i don't belong here.

And now you won't finish what you started. Thanks for disappearing from my life.

I don't want to try anymore. I don't even want to log on to Messenger in case you're online - I wouldn't know what to say to you. And I'm quite sure you'd have blocked me by now.

will that day come? the day that i don't give a damn about whether you're alive or not anymore?

I want to hear from so many people, but I don't think I'll get my replies anytime soon.

Maybe it's a fall from grace

aiya fuck the world

this dead silence... i don't know what to tell of it.

I hate going to ink bar now. I hate listening to Dave Matthew's, because every word and every note is screaming your goddamn name.

all i have left of you are fragments - the dave matthew's badge with the elongated faces of everyone in the band, the bottle of baileys that you gave me which i have no heart to open, one of the 2 notebooks we took from a stranger when we were out together (the other is with you), the malcolm gladwell books i recommended so strongly and eventually bought for you so you could read them, the letters that I wrote when you were away which I never got to pass to you, the blue toy dolphin (you have the pink one) i bought which is still on a bag that i don't use anymore, the penn and teller bullshit link on my safari that i don't want to click anymore.

and worst of all, your number. i'm so afraid of not hearing a response from you that i don't even dare to dial the number anymore. it just rings and i never get to hear a voice at the other end. i send a message and it's like i sent a message into a black hole. i'm fucking scared. of trying to initiate conversation. of the fact that you never reply.

I'm hurting so much now and I don't know when this hell is going to end.

"trust is like a mirror. you can fix it once it's broken, but you will always be able to see the cracks."

yet another thing i shouldn't have said.

Screw you Dave Matthews. I can't even listen to you properly anymore.