would a bridge builder, decades after building that one bridge across a dangerous abyss, still be fretting about whether the bridge is intact, whether the back-up catches still work, and whether there were any casualties?

some words were never meant to be said.
not if you paid.
or even with extra booze

can anyone be stable all the time?

curb the kerb

the kerbs at bbdc's driving circuit must feel like doormats.

goodbye, i'm off to thailand! :)

Luh-luh-luh-laryngitis

The past 2 months have been trying, to say the least. Being a 'social animal', not being able to talk (much less sing...!) is the worst feeling. No kidding. All the comments I could have said stay inside me and make me want to implode with gibberish and random words taken out of context. I realise that I COULD get used to nodding mutely and pretending to be a demure girl who has no comments to everything because she doesn't have any brains! Or not.

Aaaaanyway, aside from the emotional trauma my nodule-ridden vocal cords have given me, two months is a pretty long time for self-reflection. So I've lived as a pseudo-introvert instead of being the noisy empty vessel that I usually am, and like they say, still waters run deep. I think I blogged once before about when you're constantly talking, you actually don't have much time to think. And so thinking was what I did!

2 lessons learnt from my bout of laryngitis:

1) Listening to songs as a full work, not just the main melody

Being the wannabe vocalist that I am, I previously listened to my music concentrating around 70% of my attention hearing the vocalist. The lyrics, the tune of the melody, and what kind of voice she was using. I placed very little emphasis on the rest of the band, like the bass, drums, and the backing vocals. I didn't use to be able to tell the harmonies apart. But because I don't sing, I can't imitate the singer in my head, and in fact trying to do so brings the painful (literally) reminder that I can't. Which makes me feel even worse about myself. 

So I focused more on what I should have! I'm not saying that I do now, but I'm trying! Also, I've ventured into checking out music that are not vocalist-driven, a practice that I realise was incredibly myopic (and also a tad selfish) of me in the past.

One downside is that it's difficult to write songs when you're mute. It's hard to think of nice melodies when you can't sing them to hear how they sound.

2) Some things can be left unsaid, and thinking before you speak is an excellent habit

Saying stuff that doesn't add value only wastes air-time and the limited vocal card HP. And talking less actually lets people around you talk more! One-liners that hit home are more memorable than 10 lines that mean nothing. Someone should quote me for class-part!

Yeah 2 lessons for 2 months of ego-torture. 

Time to get back to mugging lit so I can teach it tomorrow x

dragging on rock bottom recently. not being able to talk is taking everything from me.

i'm going crazy i'm waiting for something to happen.

bor-eein muh arsh uff

how can anyone bring themselves to plough through so much drivel? it's so boring my grandma would cry.

rarent

When you don't feel like letting any part of your private life out of your own mind, there is a problem. Either you're not fluent enough to manage phrasing what you feel into coherent language, or you're just not interesting anymore. Or you just need to maintain this perpetually happy, un-human image of yourself all the time. I'm not weak. I can't be.

Is this really doing me any good? What do I want out of this? What is in this for me? I bet you must have asked yourself those questions a million times. Now I know how you feel.

I tell myself I'm happy by myself. And I can keep telling myself that. But the truth is, I can't breathe every time I see someone like you. And it's been a year. 

My thoughts are all over the place. I should pick up a book.

Not-a-holiday trip...

Obligatory laden trips aren't holidays. Not that I'm complaining, of course.

My dad drove us back to Ipoh for my cousin's wedding. This cousin used to dote on me a lot when I was younger, together with her two other sisters. Funny feelings I felt, kind of a mix of regret for not keeping up with her, a need to make up for all the lost time... I found myself overcompensating by going to talk to my relatives. 

Staying in your comfort zone is easy. Considering that I only see my relatives on my dad's side once a year on average, it's kinda of awkward when I see them again. Since my dad's really talkative, it's convenient to sort of fade in the background, smile and laugh politely when you are mentioned, not really partaking in the conversation or giving your opinions. It's so easy to just distance yourself. Keeping up with relationships are tiring.

But then again, even if relatives are like strangers to you I suppose at the end of the day, you'll still help them out. I don't know to feel heartened by this or not. We do help out of obligation, and obligation isn't exactly the best reason to be helping someone. Again, I'm not complaining, especially if I'm receiving ^^ lol bastard.

Okay the philosoraptor in me should just shut up now. Some pictures! (because I AM THE NEXT XIAXUE lol Val Boh are you taking this in?!!)

My cousin looking pretty disinterested that a fast traveling cork is about to hit someone's head pretty soon 

Classic wedding gesture

Dad with some of his brothers - can you tell?

Dad on stage trying to be discreet

Attempt at an artistic shot, but who am I kidding - I don't have a bad-ass DSLR which is a must these days

There you go... Happy marriage, cousin!

And off we went to have some fun at a somewhat disappointing Lost World at Tambun, which has amusement park, zoo and water theme park elements and compromising on all three.

^^

This ride was 5 minutes long. A poor boy threw up his lunch and it was orange and I watched the whole thing.

If my sister's face was a meme it'd be the poker face. Or Derpina.

This looks like it came straight out of Avatar the movie. Only in Malaysia, you find bad-ass cliffs that look like tree trunks

Also, I've finished reading To Kill a Mockingbird, some crime fic book I found off the Bookcross network and a Sue Grafton novel. Starting on What a Dog Saw. ^^ Only during the holidays do I get time to curl up and read books other than my textbooks.

Oh and did you know that this:

The rotating glass thingy you always see at Chinese restaurants

... Is called a 'lazy susan'? You learn something new everyday ^^

Okay time for some Fight Club with Val and Pris!

xx

._. at myself

SPOTLIGHT EFFECT ERROR. SPOTLIGHT EFFECT ERROR. SPOTLIGHT EFFECT ERROR.

Note to self: Please have a bit more self-control.

One day

One day, I will tire of being a free spirit, and be cast unceremoniously into the arms of a babe, who hopefully sees me for who I am, and has professed his adoration (or at least, tolerance) for my quintessence.

One day, I might conclude that the company of a special someone trumps all my other relations.

One day, I will have to learn to live with another person in my life again.

I contemplate that day with a mix of amusement and moderate disdain.

Is it too late?

I only regret that because of my immaturity, and hence an inability to handle situations as best as they should be handled, I've lost the chance to ever be friends with you. If I could go back in time and do it all over again, I wouldn't have done what I did, and I look back on my former self with disdain. I wonder if you will ever find it in your heart to forgive me for what unjust you feel I've done to you. But if you do, I'll be relieved beyond expression.

too-oh (too-old?)

20th birthday resolution: Think. of. something. to. say.

Playing tennis with one other person and sucking at it is like an awkward date. No third party to at least let the other person have some respite from playing with a sucky person as yourself.

Being overly accommodating may make people feel uncomfortable. Maybe I should stop doing that.

Inanimate objects look better in bright light. People don't. (usually)

Self-realisation: I have a name phobia.

What could give yourself a poorer impression than to forget someone's name? You're indirectly implying that someone is insignificant or not worth your brain space to remember just one word of his name.

Because of this fear I tend to shy away from saying someone's name out loud, even though I'm fairly certain that I do know. Just in case I get it wrong.

Lessons learnt:

People expect replies to emails and SMS the moment you receive it. That's why BBM lets you know if the other party has read your message or not, so he/she will be pressured to reply. That's why so many people use the 'Autoreply' feature, something that cheats you into thinking that the other party has replied in an instant, only to find that it's actually an automated message explaining a late reply. Patience has gone to the pits guys.

If you cannot check your email or SMS regularly for one reason or another, ask someone else to take over. Don't act hero and do everything yourself.

Do your duty. Fulfill the minimum of your responsibility even if you're juggling many many things at once. DO THE BARE MINIMUM AT THE VERY LEAST.

Love, and goodnight.

Funny how the non-presence of some things stings more than the presence. Like when you lose something so dear to you. Or when you're missing someone you know you won't see again.

On hindsight, everyone is a genius.

Plastics bags are there to ease the awkward silence when you dig around in your wallet to pay at the cashier and when you struggle to keep your change.

I came up with a theory on kopitiams and cafés yesterday. You know how kopitiams are always so hot, uncomfortable and dirty? That's because they have cheap food, and hence many people visit them. (It's like how toilets are, the more used the toilet is, the dirtier it is.) And it's uncomfortable for a good reason as well - if the place is too comfortable, the kopitiam would never be able to accommodate the masses that are coming in.

So I'm wondering if it's a cause and effect thing, like is it uncomfortable because of the many people that are coming in and dirtying the place, or is it because they want to control the people that are coming in and therefore they make the place comfortable on purpose. I mean, you rarely see beanbags and chandeliers in a kopitiam.

Cafés, on the other hand, have expensive food. You would baulk at the prices they charge for a simple breakfast you could make for yourself at home. But the place is so comfortable that you would stay there for a prolonged period of time, and if you stay there and take up the seats, another customer cannot take up that space. So when you eat at a café, you effectively are paying for another customer who would have been there if the price was lower, e,g, kopitiam price. Imagine Starbucks with $0.60 coffee and their comfortable sofas...

So if you ever go to a café and eat, please don't leave immediately after that, just take things easy and soak in the comfortable environment you're paying for. :)

Leave me be. You don't understand.

Talking and thinking

It just took one long train ride for me to put my work and commitments into perspective.

I just read somewhere that talking kills your thoughts - and I think it's true. Humans are simple minded in that sense, that you can only focus on one thing at a time. If you are busy thinking of your next word, you have hardly any time to think about other things, like your future or what you're going to do next.

That explains why people usually start to think about sad things or just think in general when they're alone, because they have no one to talk to. That explains why agony auntie columns always suggest that you pick up a hobby, or spend more time with your friends, because when you are working and playing, you are in the company of people and you start talking, which makes you stop thinking. And when you stop thinking, you don't get depressed and suicidal.

A man of few words has potential to be very wise because he talks very little, freeing up more time to think. But then again this man's mind must not be empty and has to be actually thinking of worthwhile things.

Does this mean that introverted people are better thinkers and extroverted people are not? Does that mean that actually I'm not such a great thinker after all, cos I just talk too much?

I think I need some time to think and be alone.

what the hell am i doing here? i don't belong here.

And now you won't finish what you started. Thanks for disappearing from my life.

I don't want to try anymore. I don't even want to log on to Messenger in case you're online - I wouldn't know what to say to you. And I'm quite sure you'd have blocked me by now.

will that day come? the day that i don't give a damn about whether you're alive or not anymore?

I want to hear from so many people, but I don't think I'll get my replies anytime soon.

Maybe it's a fall from grace

aiya fuck the world

this dead silence... i don't know what to tell of it.

I hate going to ink bar now. I hate listening to Dave Matthew's, because every word and every note is screaming your goddamn name.

all i have left of you are fragments - the dave matthew's badge with the elongated faces of everyone in the band, the bottle of baileys that you gave me which i have no heart to open, one of the 2 notebooks we took from a stranger when we were out together (the other is with you), the malcolm gladwell books i recommended so strongly and eventually bought for you so you could read them, the letters that I wrote when you were away which I never got to pass to you, the blue toy dolphin (you have the pink one) i bought which is still on a bag that i don't use anymore, the penn and teller bullshit link on my safari that i don't want to click anymore.

and worst of all, your number. i'm so afraid of not hearing a response from you that i don't even dare to dial the number anymore. it just rings and i never get to hear a voice at the other end. i send a message and it's like i sent a message into a black hole. i'm fucking scared. of trying to initiate conversation. of the fact that you never reply.

I'm hurting so much now and I don't know when this hell is going to end.

"trust is like a mirror. you can fix it once it's broken, but you will always be able to see the cracks."

yet another thing i shouldn't have said.

Screw you Dave Matthews. I can't even listen to you properly anymore.

I'm trying to teach myself to be emotionally independent, because I want to stop leading people on, and I can't always take advantage of some poor guy who at that point in time has a fond liking for me.

But would that take the life out of me?

---

We're staring down into the abyss and wondering how this is going to turn out. I'm sorry friend.

Being around tactless people and having a considerably heavy emotional burden around is making me very tactless and insensitive as well.

I know I will regret some of the things I said. But I can't take them back. All I can do is to make sure I don't spew anymore brainless nonsense.

I need to find myself again, and be myself. The happy, optimistic, sensitive me. I don't want to be the grumpy, arrogant, unfeeling shell I am now.

Goodness, the way Anna Nalick describes songwriting is so apt.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

What will I do in the future? Will I enjoy my job? Will any company take me in? Will I start my own business? Will my skills be put to good use, and will I be developed to my fullest potential? Will I have to marry a rich man so he can support me?

I feel like a wasted space.

Where did c and f go?

I'm more dependent than you think.

Are you socially awkward? Are you the most self-oblivious person in the whole planet? Considering the number of times you check yourself out in the mirror... this degree of self oblivion is appalling.

Do you have the power of making everybody frustrated? Are you the most MIA person I've known? Do you possess the lowest of the lowest EQs? Do you have zero sensitivity?

Do you blow your top when you have a bad day? Why this double standard? When you have bad days your body language says things that are far worse. Or most of the time you're not even around for everybody to judge you.

Do you not have a vision? Do you contribute zero to morale, and do you communicate in the most inefficient of ways?

Do you even realize what in the world you are doing/ insinuating? Your reasoning is so warped, man.

You can't make everyone happy. But somehow so many more people are unhappy with you than not.

Reuben said my barriers would be high after gross misjudgments. You bet.

I know I'm doing something wrong here, and it makes me really uncomfortable. The secrecy, the weird looks. The opportunity cost is too high.

I'm not afraid of being judged by people I don't know, or by people who don't matter to me. But when people close to me do it, I fall apart.

Pet peeve:

Leaving the party at 1145 pm - 12 am, after the last train leaves and before the midnight surcharge, and paying 10 times more the price of taking public transport

If I'm going through all this so someone else can function properly, I'd feel much better.

Things I must treasure now, and forever and ever always:
1. Showering all my body parts
2. Blinking
3. Wearing covered shoes

You only know happiness when you've been through misery. This is one lesson that never fails to strike me hard, more so than ever now.

Ever had the feeling of checking your handphone for someone's message every 2 minutes?

One day, I'll look back on this smattering of posts about the same damn thing, and laugh at myself for being such a fool.

I feel the stress starting all over again.

So much for my holiday.

I really hate the way expectations always get the better of me.

To think I was imagining myself waiting at Starbucks, doing my homework and thoughtfully sipping a cup of tea. How ridiculously funny. I even brought! Haha I'm so absurd.

Maybe I really can't handle this, maybe we're really too different. Maybe I just don't matter to you. Perhaps that will explain why you haven't called, returned my call or responded to my requests to meet.

I feel so disgustingly desperate.

Choices. CHOICES.

Why can't I just keep my mouth shut sometimes?

To you

Just like that.

I've never met anyone like you.

MC taught me to talk in plain English, and so did you. And so I will.

Questioning everything - that's what you do well and I don't.

I've never been taught to disagree, or have my own way, or rebel against anybody. I've been taught to go to school even when I'm sick, to go for lessons because they are already paid for. I've been taught to suck everything up when shit happens and force myself to do things I don't like to do.

I've been taught not to be lazy, but I've also been taught not to have opinions.

I'm a friendly person. I can talk to strangers with ease, and I find silences awkward. I'm eager to please and I find it difficult to reject. When you are eager to please, you don't have much room for disagreement. I'm always the first to back down. I find it difficult to have opinions while being agreeable.

I'm not very honest. I believe in white lies, and that people's feelings should be protected if possible because everyone has to deal with some shit on a daily basis and everyone deserves a break.

I speak my mind, and I am very open with people. I'm not a very secretive person. I learnt quite early on that keeping secrets is pointless because when people find out and start spreading them, all that effort that went in to keep those secrets is effectively wasted. My life is an open book. Ask me anything.

I prioritize my friends - they are the ones that keep me going. I prioritize my family because they are important to me.

I am very busy. I fill my day up with appointments and that is of my own choosing, and I keep myself busy with schoolwork and many other co-curricular activities. I should stop complaining about being so busy, since I chose to be involved with all of it.

I love to read and write. I like fiction books - nothing like a good story to make life more interesting and to get a few learning points from. I also like interesting non-fiction - books like Freakonomics or The Tipping Point are of tremendous interest to me.

I am marginally religious. I may call myself a free-thinker, but in fact I gravitate towards Buddhism and its values, because I was brought up that way. I was taught cause and effect, and that what goes around comes around. I believe in karma, but I don't save snails because of karma - nobody actually knows whether there really is this system in place to keep humans in check. I do it because I really want to do it.

I am a very touchy person. It's my way of being friendly, and showing that I have no reservations. I touch the elbow because to me, the skin there is highly pinch-able, and to you, it is the only place I cannot molest. (according to my friend who saw a poster at the police station saying that the elbow is worth $0) I touch people's tummies sometimes and I have no idea why - it's a subconscious thing I cannot explain. Or maybe I can, in time. Someday I'll know the reason why, but not now.

I know some people do not like me being so touchy but I find it hard to keep my hands to myself. I'm not horny. But it's just my way or getting closer to the person I talk to. Pardon me if you are uncomfortable with it.

I am an inquisitive person. (which basically means I'm kaypo) I want to know things. When I sense that someone is keeping something from me, I get really uncomfortable. But in time I will forget about it and then I will stop thinking about it.

When someone matters a lot to me, I let the other party know exactly that. I will either express it in words, or through the little things I do.

I love to have a plan. Especially when I go out for leisure or for dates. I believe in going Dutch when on dates, and that both parties are equally responsible to think of what to do, to take initiative, to be polite to each other. I believe that a guy should send a girl home because he really wants to, not because obligation binds him to it. I believe that these beliefs are in line with my views on gender equality.

I'm not a romantic. I don't like flowers, chocolates or teddy bears. Effort or a display of affluence doesn't impress me. What does is evidence that you've listened to what I've said, that you know me well enough to do things that I'd really enjoy.

I'm spontaneous. I don't mind trying new things, and I refrain from an opinion of things I have never tried yet. Even if I do, I'm still open and I will still try it out given the chance, unless some phobia prevents me from doing that.

I don't have the time and to watch movies so I don't really.

I don't have a good memory and I tend to forget things very easily.

I was from NCC, and I make no effort to hide it. Why should I? It taught me so much. Discipline, to be agreeable (so my EQ and sensitivity spiked), to be presentable and carry myself properly, and I got to do things that girls would seldom be allowed to do - join in in army activities. How many girls can say that they've worn any army uniform, or eaten army fruit bars and rations before?

I have Facebook, and I use it as a tool for socializing, something I enjoy very much.



I'm vastly different from you; you are the exact opposite of everything I have listed above. But yet, I respect you for so much. And I wonder if you feel the same of me.

what can i do to make you feel this?

disinterest envelopes
heart to stomach, bucket to well
and you can see it in the windows

Away to China till 24th!

QoQ is finally over; despite the tension, fatigue and eye make-up (which I hate), I'm really glad to have taken part - for the experience, friends and not to mention the many goodies including the lifetime supply of pads. :p I think I'm the only one who appreciates all the pads though...

Hives outbreak last night, I think I slept about 3 hours?

Blog again when I'm not so tired.

because your silence speaks volumes in itself



tmr is D-day :D

I HAVE GOT TO FREAKING SNAP OUT OF THIS.

Am I right side up or upside down?

A few days ago I was studying on the Hari Raya holiday and was feeling quite sad about it. One friend graciously informed me that "During exam period, public holidays no longer exist." And indeed! It's just another day of brain-frying o.o

Many things on my mind recently, no mood to post them here. Ask me if you bother.

It gets so tiring sometimes, keeping up with everybody, especially if it is a one-sided effort.



Introverts really have it good.

what in the world was i thinking?

I seem to have so little self-control lately.

I just realised my previous blog posts are pretty interesting, it's a weird feeling I get when read about myself, partly narcissistic, I admit...

I can't believe I actually wrote all the stuff I wrote previously. And some of the cryptic stuff I posted, I don't remember the meanings behind them anymore.

Is that weird?

It feels like i've just ran into a wall. It stings very, very much. And it's too damn late to make amends. I suppose my feeble attempt is negligible, but at least I tried.

My pact with myself is about to be broken and I don't have a good feeling about this.

I can't believe I actually missed it. I'm too caught up with my damn life that I have no energy left to emphasize or to pay enough attention to the people that I actually care for.

I forget birthdays, can't make it for farewells, and I only just found out about something that I should have gone for, something I was told about a long time back, something I should have followed up on although I wasn't invited, something I should jolly well have remembered.

It's not that I don't care. Hell yea I do. It's not that I can't be bothered to remember. I try my hardest but goddamn it it's tough. I'm just too bloody self-centred these days, it's crazy.

I guess it's true that you don't only commit to stuff, schoolwork and other activities - you commit to people as well. You spend the time and effort to remember important dates, to spend time with them, and to make sure you show that you care. You maintain the relationships that are closest to your heart, because you'd crumble if they crumbled. You don't go around talking to new people you meet like you've known them for years because you actuallydon't, and neither do you take your existing relationships for granted. You prioritize people just like how you prioritize your other appointments. And I have to learn that I can't make everyone happy because it just doesn't work that way.

I haven't been spending enough time with the people I'm sure are genuine as hell to me, who will never judge me if I look like crap, who would be there for me if I crash and burn and people that I would die to be there for.

But I seem to have moved on to new people. And I swore to myself I wouldn't.



To all the people close to me I have neglected in one way or another, I am really, really sorry, I know I need to stop rushing around like a mad dog and slow down and pay more attention to the right things.




Time for some reflection, hun.

And those who judge me after reading this, I'm sorry but I wasn't referring to you in my apology.

If my voice loss is permanent, I am dead serious that I will be suicidal.

There are so many things I want to do, so many people I want to talk to.

But I can't bring myself to.

I'm not looking. Please.

it's a fucking rainy saturday today.

Reality comes crashing harder the more fun you're having.

I miss Cambodia very, very much.

Having to work office hours means I get to squeeze with the rest of the world on public transport during peak hours. Which means I have zero chance of getting any seats.

Not that I mind, of course, but when 'people who need it more than I do' don't get any seats I get superbly pissed off.

Two days ago, on the train to work, this old lady got onto the train at Chinese Garden towards Pasir Ris. She leaned against the transparent thing that everybody likes to lean against, that area near the door. She was with her granddaughter or helper or something, and for some reason or another I assumed that she was going to alight very soon so I didn't really pay much attention.

When she was still on the train at Buona Vista, I started noticing her more. She was massing her legs and looking at the seat behind her (which was a 'reserved seat'). The woman on that seat was twenty-plus and was talking to her friend next to her (who was ALSO sitting on a reserved seat).

I was staring daggers at the woman but she was oblivious. When we reached Tiong Bahru, her helper finally plucked up enough courage to ask that woman to give up her seat for the old lady.

My goodness leh some people disgustingly ungracious. And it's really sad that every morning (as far as I can see) that there are around 5-6 old men or women standing and nobody is bothering to give up their seats.

Speaking of reserved seats.

There never used to be reserved seats before, there just used to be a sign that reminded us to give up our seats to people who needed it more than we did. So naturally that applies to all seats. Now there are specially allocated reserved seats, people who want to sit don't dare to sit on those seats and people who are not on those seats don't want to give up their seats.

AND on the same day as the old lady incident, I was blowing my nose on the train and there was this guy beside me who gave me a disgusted look and inched away from me. So the next time I blew my nose, he stared at me again, I stared right back and he turned away. :)

Who in the world do you think you are?

Ungrateful shitbag.

I'm so obsessed with food, I even dream of it.

That day I dreamt that I was in the supermarket and shopping for groceries, and since I like seafood so much I went to the crab section. There was this DAMN ABNORMALLY BIG crab, so being greedy I reached out to take it. The next thing I knew it was expanding and destroying the shopping mall and people were running in all directions. -.- Maybe my body is trying to tell me to stop eating so much or the food will be my downfall! :s

Tomorrow is makeover day!

But it's also GG day cos I can't breathe in my dress and gonna be wearing high heels for the whole damn day. :s



Hope I don't embarrass myself tomorrow :(

I should just stop giving a damn.

This inter-connectedness comes at a price, because my mood depends heavily and is greatly affected by what others feel, about me especially.

Wished I could just say 'Screw it' and REALLY not care about all this.

when i drink alcohol, i'm a mosquito magnet at full-power =.=

life has no meaning :(

you study, go to uni, get a job, earn money, find mr right, start a family, have kids, watch them grow up, and then die.

it's the same damn cycle for everybody. it's depressing just thinking about it, that you're going to go down the same path as everyone else, that you're just part of life's rat race.

---

My new jack & danny is currently the love of my life. <3 I love the sound, the wood, the fretboard, I EVEN LOVE THE GUITAR CASE. Time to learn more tabs ;)

---

good luck for sit test sumzy :)

Finally updated my blogskin! Partly 'cos I was really bored.

A few days ago my agent called me to inform me that there was a telemarketing job with a 6 month contract. I said yes reluctantly ('cos I'm really desperate for cash and all) and said that I'd attend the training session and that I may not sign the contract. He agreed, and I even confirmed with him once again whether I could go for the training and reject the contract. He told me to go down for training regardless whether I wanted to sign the contract or not.

After a while I was seriously reconsidering. Why go for the training session when I know I wouldn't be able to commit to a 6 month contract right? But I just wanted to make sure I wouldn't be blacklisted or anything - rejecting the job before I even get to take a look at the environment and what I'd be doing would reflect quite badly on me what. And I naively thought that I could discuss the terms of the contract there and then, like possibly shorten the contract or something.

Guess I shouldn't even have wasted my time. I went all the way down to that location, expecting 2 hours training and a whole day of work, but I walked away with only 2 hours of training and half a day of NOTHING-TO-DO. The person-in-charge was amazingly aloof, and when I asked to discuss the terms of contract she was like 'discuss what?'

So I started floundering and stammered something about whether I can take leave and my working days. She walked away after answering my questions and I was left terribly clueless.

So after that absolute waste of time, my agent called me to ask about the job. And I went, 'Uh, I don't think I want the 6 months contract because I have other commitments. But another girl in the company told me she had a 2 week contract, is it possible to arrange for a 1-month contract?'

He was very taken aback by the fact that I didn't want to sign the contract (presumably 'cos he loses 6 months worth of commission) and I was very taken aback by the fact that he was even surprised I rejected the contract. Hello, he was the one who said I could go for training and not sign the contract!

So he asked me what commitments I had. I said I had to help out at my school, and he went 'Oh, uh, you didn't tell me about the commitments beforehand.' Okay, so now I'm the bitch for not agreeing to sign.

So I apologised for the inconvenience (politest thing to do because I'm a friggin' doormat)and hanged up.

Then around 5-6pm, this girl from the company called on behalf of the person-in-charge to tell me that I 'don't need to come for work tomorrow'.

What the heck?! It's as if I'm being fired -.- pretty damn arrogant employers, they think temp staff are so desperate. Actually I am, but there's easier cash out there than signing a 6 month contract, getting your pay leeched by the recruiting company, and doing mindless junk to waste my precious time.

MILO

Ever since my mum insisted that we switch from condensed milk to creamer (which is a healthier option), I have been getting nothing but horrible tasting Milo every night. It is SO bland. Milo only tastes good with condensed milk :(

And every time I leave the house, the rubbish truck arrives at my block. This has happened 4 times and I'm wondering if someone is doing this on purpose or I just leave the house at the same time every day :s



empty suddenly

when all that is to be said has been said,
don't expect anymore.

Kuching :)

I got my Face Shop facial foam confiscated at the customs :( Seriously, they should relax the rules a little - hello, 100 ml? Even the smallest contact lens solution comes in 120 ml MINIMUM. And the one I brought in was BRAND NEW, with the bloody safety seal whatever still on the bloody bottle. As for my facial foam, I'll give you a million bucks if you can find kerosene/ flammable liquid that smells so good. The officer was really nice about it but he was BLOODY INFLEXIBLE. Do I look like a terrorist? :(

Aiyah I'm whining so much.


people get ruder as they grow older. or maybe some are just naturally rude.

Recently I've been conducting an experiment on myself to find out how long it takes for me to recover without the help of any medicine :) A little sadistic la but I just felt like being anti-doctor for a while to see how that felt! I didn't get to do this during 'A' level period, obviously, and I didn't like the idea of suppressing the symptoms without actually eliminating the illness itself so.

I had a sore throat, blocked/ runny nose and fever since Monday. I've drank absolutely nothing except plain water and abstained from unhealthy food like chocolate, peanuts and fried stuff. I even TRIED not to eat chicken because my mum said it takes longer to recover if you eat chicken! Haha chicken is quite pervasive so I couldn't totally NOT eat chicken. And I did eat some panadol to keep the fever down (forced to do so by sumbody) So I've behaved like a patient should, minus the medicine :)

Anyway it's Sunday today! So I've been anti-doctor for a week now and I'm only barely recovering :( Ugh.

Conclusion: If you don't want to prolong your suffering, SEE A DOCTOR.
---

Missed half of 4L chalet (and the bbq) :( hope they enjoyed themselves!

please tell me what you want me to be

wish me luck (and ALKAR too) :)

I want to blog but I don't know how to start.

Okay now I've started I'm good.

A lot has been happening nowadays and most of the things happening make me frustrated and annoyed and even helpless. When I was studying for A's it seemed like time just stopped for three months but now I realise it didn't. So the shit hit the fan a few months ago and I'm only smelling the stench now.

Anyway nothing much happened in the past few weeks because I was busy falling sick and not to mention my papers ended really late so effectively I didn't have much time anyway. I fell sick after two post proms with a throat infection and my fever scared the daylights out of me. Recovering nicely now but tomorrow morning Imma have a flu vaccination for my Hong Kong trip so I have a feeling imma fall sick again.

I have 8 months left and I don't know what to do with the time.

I want to murder somebody very badly so someone please pass me a gun.

i hate being sick.

i hate going to my blog and finding my blog template all screwed up.

i hate staring at the address bar in my browser and not knowing where to go next.

yeongchuan. says:
hhaahaha what did you go back to malaysia for!
relatives is it?

winifred says:
haha my BIRTHDAY lah
i bet you forgot

yeongchuan. says:
HOLY SHIT
ARGHHHHHHHHHH



lolllllllllll

Facebook is driving me CRAZY.

I can't access my inbox, I can't see the confirmed guests for Kiwi's farewell, I CAN'T EDIT MY OWN BLOODY PROFILE. Signing in and out isn't helping. Some techie please save me :(

And my food processor (my trusty baking partner) just crashed two days ago :(

--

Anyway on the lighter note, since the prelims are over I CAN HAVE A LIFE NOW :D ION Orchard here I come :)

The person who changed my bluetooth name to 'Cloudy Sundays' should seriously own up :(

Do I have a 'Please give me shit' face?

Even my maid gives me shit, dammit :(

She shouted at me, telling me to clear my own dinner plate of food so she could wash (she always did this for me before).

She gave me a black face when I asked for my towel, insisting that it was in my room. When I finally found it in her room, she didn't even apologize for being wrong.

This coming from a person that talks on the phone 24/7, uses my computer to watch YOUTUBE, has her own personal TV in her room, has off-day virtually everyday and to top it off she gets PAID to do all this rubbish!

Please sack my maid for me :( and if you're a friend, please don't give me any shit :(

Trying to swim with a tampon

Today is not a sunny Saturday.

Therefore I have the right to mope around and be depressed.

That's not the only reason why I'm depressed though. It's my time of the month and I'm supposed to have my swimming lesson today. My mum refused to accept that I cannot swim when I'm having my period because she didn't want to waste the money that she already paid for my lesson fees, so she forced me to try tampons. She gave me a 5 minute crash course on how to insert tampons which I totally did not want to listen to, and then left me to my own devices.

I have tried tampons before, and I had perfectly good reasons to say no to tampons but then I thought, "Oh maybe things'll be better this time", so the obedient me decided to give it another go.

Turns out I was horribly wrong. I ended up with two wasted tampons (un-inserted) a very painful sensation you-know-where.

It used to be 'Once bitten, twice shy' but now it's 'Twice bitten, thrice WILL NOT TRY EVER AGAIN'.

And I'm supposed to go for a casting today but I had to turn it down because my very conservative mum refused to give me permission to go for it because I was required to bring a bikini. Sorry Davania, whoever you are :(

My mum is too much. :(

-

I think chilli is some sort of escapism. It's for food that either sucks, or does not taste good by itself. People who add chilli sauce to their food are trying to escape the reality of horrible food.

I'm having a really hard time doing my personal statement.

Unless you're really narcissistic I think you'd have a hard time doing it too. On one hand you gotta package yourself up real horrorshow to convince your future employers and all that cal, and on the other hand your conscience is begging you to stop because it's far too 'buay hiao bai' (don't want face).

I can almost hear the teachers in the Staff Room sniggering to themselves when they read our pathetic attempts at ego-boosting. :(

Sample Personal Statement:

W enjoys eating, sleeping and playing her Wii console like any other human being.

She is rely IT savy. She can use Paint. (Screw Photoshop, Paint rocks your socks) Aslo she cn type at a spede of 20wpm nd rely acurrately. That's awesum innit!

She enjoys baking. Her friends' food poisoning cases weren't caused by her. They were caused by.. uh, H1N1.


... or something like that :p Hey, who knows, they might accept me on the grounds that my personal statement is 'unique' lol.

Okay that's enough of ego-deflating, I shall get back to doing my real personal statement :)

Happy birthday LZL! :)

I'm ready to blog again :)

Anyway, I am going to settle my deferment soon. I promise. Once the parcel/ envelope of documents regarding my enlistment into the Malaysian government service comes, I will fill in the document as fast as my hand can write.

I bought two books today from Jusco's Harris (which is kinda like a Malaysian version of Popular) 'A Thousand Splendid Suns' and 'The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time' Haha I finished the first already - it was heart-wrenching but I think I cried more reading Kiterunner. I can't wait to start on the second :)

I can't bring myself to study nowadays. I get depressed everytime I look at my books. Chain and muzzle me and maybe I'll study.


it's so elusive, i could almost swear it was a lie

I just hit the jackpot.

I wonder if you have heard about the Malaysian 'NS' training where some malaysians, PRs included, are randomly chosen to go for 3 months of army trainig in a bid to defend their country.

... yeah, I just received the letter today o.o WA LAU, NOT FUNNY LAH! Seriously, what are the chances? My very evil brother was saying that he hopes I'll have to go for it when I'm having my A levels. -.-

Anyone knows what I can do? :(

Renovation sucks. Especially when it's not your own and you have to put up with all the noise pollution and at the end of the day you have NOTHING NEW in your house. Especially when you are having exams and you can't do any serious studying because it's so damn bloody irritating. I'm dying to snatch the drill/ screwdriver/ whatever noisy machine from the renovator's hands and drop it from the 24th storey.

_|_ _|_ _|_ _|_ _|_ _|_ _|_ _|_ _|_ _|_ _|_ _|_ _|_ _|_ _|_

Okay now so where did I put that fucking piece of paper?

actually i don't think i'm looking for that, rather i'm looking for some reassurance, some black and white evidence that i'm still loved

Today was a bad day.

I thought I would go on a budget today so I went to order my food at the malay stall. It came up to $3.20 and I only had $2.60 in my wallet, which was a disaster. The boys later enlightened me by telling me that the chicken drumstick is 'f*cking expensive' because it costs $1 for one drumstick. Ordering nasi briyani rice didn't help either. The worst thing was, I couldn't even finish the food :( :( :(

Mental note: I will return the malay auntie $0.60 tomorrow and never order a chicken drumstick from the malay stall again.

Why can't the stalls here be like RV's? Where they sell grilled fish and spaghetti for an impossibly cheap price of $1.80? :( I swear, they run on deficit. And not to mention chicken-on-a-stick :(

I played poker today, sans money :)

Long distance II and one act was interesting too.


what happens when a chameleon crosses your path? how many years of bad luck will you have?

I am very irritated by Youtube. They have removed all official music videos from their site, and all that is left are covers and live versions. They don't even have the original song minus the video :( Ugh this is disgusting D:

Despite all this I want to dedicate some songs to people.

'March on' by Good Charlotte to the 2SD2 people who are running 2.4 tomorrow, though if you marched the whole way you'd probably fail. But you get what I mean.

'I'll Be There For You' by The Rembrandts to all my friends :)

'I'm Not Missing You' by Stacie Orrico to Jasmine. Be strong alright :)

and 'Unwell' by Matchbox Twenty to Sumzy. Get well soon :(

X-Men is so cool. Catch Wolverine quick!

I had so much on my mind before I came to this screen, but now my mind is totally blank.

I feel like Wemmick from Great Ex. London hardens me and I harden myself in response to London. But I'll survive. I'm just glad I'm meeting some normal people tomorrow :)

There's just so many things to do and think about and remember sometimes, and it's quite liberating to just drop everything and not think about anything (thank goodness I have short term memory)

I've been reflecting lately on myself and as you know reflection is hardly positive because usually you focus on the negative stuff and think of how to improve. So I've been thinking negatively about myself. But I can't remember it long enough for me to type it here so.

I'm going for soccer tomorrow, but just in case my maniacal yelling can't be heard; all the best guys. :)

:(

We were this close to making it.






but sometimes what's not yours, isn't yours.

Thanks for all the support, it was really overwhelming and I'm really touched. Thanks so much for CCAAB (you guys are a godsend), for coming up with the sports updates form so quickly. It was really, really efficient of you guys. The sports board was good, and moving it from that discreet corner in the walkway to the candeck got many people to notice it, though perhaps moving it a little earlier would have benefited us a bit more because our season was just very slightly earlier than the rest. Thanks for announcing the end of the season like you said you would. Thanks for respecting us and understanding that shooting isn't as easy as you think it is. Thanks for not insinuating that we merely stand there and shoot and therefore shooters are 'unfit'. Thanks for giving us a voice and enough attention so at least we feel like we're given credit for working so hard. Thanks for treating us amazingly well. :)

Thanks, (to a certain teacher) for doing such a great job of our training schedule that we could start effectively start training a few months before our actual competition, instead of a whole year.

Perhaps a bit too late for thanksgiving, but thanks anyway. And thanks so much.

So. I'm feeling the withdrawal symptoms of having too much time on my hands but I don't feel like I ever want to touch my gun again because of mental trauma. Not anytime soon, definitely. I've been a wreck for the past week; I really need a break.

Debrief tomorrow, not sure about the turnout but still I am hopeful.

I will not go on Facebook now.

I will not go to other blogs.

I will not go to the Shooting results page of singaporesports.sg to find out what happened yesterday.

I will not scratch my hives. (it's taking a lot out of me)

I will sleep early today.

I will not be late tomorrow.

I will try my best to 'break the world record' (quote courtesy of Coach Ho) :D

Here I am, the day before shooting nats, sitting at home being highly miserable because of the attack of the Hives. I can't even go to school on April Fools' :( I hope the freeze was successful :P

Anyway people, wish May, Shuyan, Cheryl and I good luck for tomorrow :) We've been training like mad (for a year) for this one day (or rather one hour and 15 mins) so oh well. Won't be expecting many supporters; #1 it's in the morning #2 the start of our season wasn't announced. We don't care. :) Hope all goes well for us :)

I think Paracetamol kinda puts you on 'safe mode' so you don't fall too sick. It saves you from being reduced to being stuck in bed and killing 10 trees by using a countless number of tissue boxes, so at least you can function at 50% and be productive.

I think Paracetamol is so much harder to swallow than my antibiotics, which is a nice brown and yellow. Paracetamol is white and scary and huge. I can never swallow Paracetamol in one gulp. It always dissolves in my mouth until it is half of its original size.

I think I need to start studying but I can't cos I need to focus on Nationals.

countdown: 8

Haha this post is really late but..



Thanks Chrislyn, Xue Yuan and Joy for that wonderful time running and training :) Though we looked really funny down at the CPA but it sure was fun :D

SHOOTING NATIONALSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS COUNTDOWN: 11 days

Gonna be training my ass off next week from Monday to Saturday. HomeTeam NS is like my second home now o.o

Screwed my AQ on Friday.

Disney on Ice was really good. It was romantic, it was dreamy, and was saturated with relationships that start off with love at first sight, and couples that ALWAYS end up happily ever after. (Isn't Ariel supposed to become foam on the sea? How come she got her kiss in the end?)

I have a sore throat from eating eclairs and durian :(

I'm meeting up with my 4L girls tomorrow :D

AND MARK HO, if you're reading this, I haven't changed my password yet o.o

Wilson, get well soon :)

NUS Open House was fun and thank goodness I stumbled upon Zihan, Hui Min Leon and Priscilla or I'd be wandering around alone. I tagged along with them to the Medicine talk and it made me glad I'm not considering medicine for uni.

I know, I know.. I haven't been blogging in the past few days but I suppose no one has the time to come online anyway since terms are nearing..

Anyway life's been a pile of dog poo recently. I'm having a problem - I can't seem to get people to be forthcoming in telling me the things I desperately need to know.

Okay I'm going to be really straightforward here. If you've a problem, just tell me. In my face. Don't ignore my messages or ignore whatever I'm saying. I mean, I've never really been the 'what's your problem' kinda person but seriously, this has got to stop.

Other than that I have nothing else to say thanks.

Thanks.

Life's been a mess lately, and I'm up to my eyes with 'to-do's', trying to find a balance but to only a small extent of success.

Something causes me to feel very irritated thus I shall pay a visit to my virtual journal to let it out. Because I understand fully that this can be 'viewed by people all over the world, 24/7', I will (attempt to) censor some of the important names. If the content below does not sit very well with you, please do leave me alone and go away. :)

The XY ghost*, in my opinion, is a product of self-deluded and snooty people in the upper castes of the XY hierachy. It is made up and almost non-existent. These people form only 10% of XY, but dictate what the XY ghost is because they have the right to, because they are 'high class', because they can express themselves really well by speaking their native language with a highly sophisticated accent. Thus we cannot say the XY ghost represents all the people in XY, because it fails to account for the other 90% of the population.

In Mushroom country, there are two singing competitions for the younger people, E Star and Jina Icon. E is the native language of XY, whereas Jina is greatly abhorred. Oh, how greatly they despise Jina. They poke fun at it, and find it amusing when someone attempts to speak it and fails miserably. They hate it so much that the advocates of Jina in XY (the braver souls) are ostracized and mocked at. They never eat together and they stay out of everyone's way, lest a mob comes and attacks them.

So back to my main point of contention. These two singing competitions occur simultaneously, and both competitions have a representative from XY, and it is hardly surprising that people flock to and idolise the winner of E Star, whereas the winner of Jina Icon has little coverage and almost no fame to speak of. One of the rulers of XY even told her not to expect him to support her.

*names have been changed to protect the identities of sensitive people

That's all I have to say. Infer all you want but I declare that I am in no way responsible for anyone's inferences. :)

MUG FOR CHEM CMONNN

Guess what, this is my 300th post (not including 242 posts on my previous one). So happy 300th post, blog.

so the good boys and girls take the so called right track
faded white hats
grabbing credits
maybe transfers
they read all the books but they can't find the answers

I rarely put lyrics on my blog, but this suits me perfectly now so I shall let the song do the talking.

testimonials results cip hours h3s multiple ccas overseas conferences seminars progress reports leadership positions

SSA shoot tomorrow, wish me luck

Welcome to a new year of mugging, homework, shooting, and gossiping.

Today wasn't the best start to the school year. I mean, how good can it be when you receive your progress report first thing in the morning, just to see that your grouchy and bitter hag of a teacher has thrown you a remark that you "tend to talk when the speaker is talking" (Is that even related? Hello, if I'm not mistaken teachers are supposed to comment on academic matters.) and that you "need to work harder for weaker subjects" (That is like, so DUH.)

Sitting in the hall for 3 whole hours on an uncomfortable chair is no joke.

And I swear, since forever, I have never completed holiday homework. Now I have to complete most of my homework, with deadlines. Goodness.

Not mention that I didn't eat any breakfast, and there were long queues in the canteen today so I missed brunch too, and I was starving like.. ****, and when I finally got around to eating lunch, I received news that the chicken rice stall serves only chicken breast meat from now on, and in addition to that they haven't reduced their prices.

The math teacher started on differential equations. Which I did not touch in the holidays. And she didn't even ask the class :( She only ever cares about the few people in class, and the slower people are neglected. Can you imagine, it's the first day of school and I already feel neglected.

I ended my lessons at 1250pm and shooting started at 430pm.

I shot really badly.

I went home and ate a miserable dinner. And my mum didn't call.

God this is such an mopey post I'm going to stop here.

But on a brighter note, I love my new school bag and my pullover :D the only perk in the day :(




I'm starting to doubt myself. Whether I can do it mentally, psychologically. Because I keep shooting like this and it's like frustrating because it's not freaking good enough. Because my attention span is so damn short and I keep talking and chanting to myself to distract myself from distracting myself if you get what I mean and it's failing like.. * because I shoot a 2 and it's game over, you see?

Goodbye.

I understand now.

Thanks a lot.